Much has been written about the mysterious Ozarks Howler, but very little of what is said is true. For example, nearly every source asserts that the Howler does not exist because the photographs submitted as evidence are fakes. But that assertion is clearly a non sequitur: An absence of evidence is not evidence of an absence. The photographs are a hoax, yes, but one cannot thereby conclude that the Howler is a hoax.
Some descriptions of the Howler suggest she is like a large black bear or a panther with horns or a wolf with red eyes or like a huge black cat with teeth that tear and claws that rip. But don't let the or's mislead you. A Howler is a concatenation of and's and not a mutually exclusive series of or's. The Howler is like all of these creatures fused into one dark chimera, and she dwells in the deep caves of distant valleys.
The Howler does have horns; that much is true. But her horns extend like ivory arms from her brows and conclude in sharp tips that can pluck out an eye or tickle an itch with the dexterity of an elephant's trunk.
And finally, once and for all, let us proclaim the truth about the famous howl of the Howler: It is a damnable falsehood that her howl portends death for anyone unlucky enough to hear it. Fie on such nonsense! That is a simpleton's tale to frighten children!
Listen now, and marvel at the truth: The howl of the Howler bemoans its own tragic existence, a vaporous presence she shares with ghosts and ghouls, Gow-rows and Gollywampuses, Snawfusses and Jimplicutes. The Howler howls in order to be, and once she is, her green eyes and ivory horns and black coat and razor teeth constellate themselves in monstrous proportion. When the howl ends, she vanishes completely.
And, by God, her eyes are green not red.
The Howl of the Howler