Okay, let's get back to the Young Salvationists for just one minute. After their introductory number, they sang some traditional Gospel songs: I'll Fly Away and Precious Lord and Balm in Gilead.
To be honest, I've always found I'll Fly Away to be downright dishonest, a textbook example of lying to oneself. Just listen to the chorus:
I'LL FLY AWAY—
WHEN I DIE, HALLELUJAH, BY AND BY,
I'LL FLY AWAY!
First of all, I would like to point out that the words in the first line are "Oh, Glory," not "Old Glory"; otherwise, it sounds like we're praising the American flag on our deathbed, which is excessively patriotic in my estimation. Second of all, I simply can't get excited about dying, at all, ever, in any way. Whatever lies on the other side, I still prefer to remain here—in my cabin on this hillside in Arkansas, with my wife and my typewriter and Bubba Fett and a six of PBR in the fridge. As you may recall, I'm writing all this down at the age of seventy-six, and so mortality is on my mind all the time. Third of all, after their first silly song about getting fat, the pious songs felt like a penance, as if to say, "Well, since we amused you in the beginning, we must annoy you now." But just when the crowd was getting restless, the boys sang this next song, which redeemed their sinking set. I must say, they seemed to know what they were doing. They were Protestant in their harmonies but Catholic in their self-awareness.
By the way, if you're wondering how I can remember the lyrics well enough to write them down, I can't. But in 1970, the Young Salvationists recorded their only 45 rpm record. On the A side was the song you already heard—The Young Salvationists—but on the B side is this next song. I still have that 45 in its original sleeve, and I still have the turntable I played it on, too. Since that time, we've had cassettes and 8-tracks and CDs and iTunes and mp3's and Spotify, but vinyl is like film and will never pass away, not so long as there are romantics and mystics and aging hippies left in this world. Anyhow, after a litany of lugubrious hymns, this is what the Young Salvationists sang. It's called The Awful One Percent.
I FELT THE SPIRIT MOVE,
AND I SWORE THAT I WOULD SERVE HIM,
AND I'D GIVE UP BROADS AND BOOZE,
BUT DURING MY PROFESSION,
EVERY WORD OF WHICH I MEANT,
THE PREACHER STOPPED TO WARN ME
OF THE AWFUL ONE PERCENT.
HE SAID—
WE ALL HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS
WHEN WE MAKE THE ALTAR CALL,
BUT I SHOULD NOT FAIL TO MENTION
THAT WE NEVER GIVE IT ALL:
NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF WHAT
WE GIVE IS TRULY HIS,
BUT WATCH OUT FOR THE ONE PERCENT
'CAUSE THIS IS WHAT IT IS:
Whereupon the boys leaned forward to their microphones and sang the chorus in true Southern Gospel style:
WHEN WE WANT TO WINK AND SMOOCH,
IT'S THAT GIGGLIN' SENSATION
WHEN WE HAVE A DRINK OF HOOCH,
IT'S THE VOICE THAT WILL DESTROY US,
THEN WHEN ALL OUR MONEY'S SPENT,
WE'LL REALIZE THAT OUR DEMISE
CAME FROM THE ONE PERCENT.
WHY DO WE MAKE LIGHT OF
THIS HERE TENDENCY TO RUIN?
DON'T WE KNOW THAT WE'RE ACCOUNTABLE
FOR ALL THE CRAP WE'RE DOIN'?
CAN'T WE SEE OUR MISERY
COMES FROM OUR DISCONTENT?
BUT, LORD ABOVE, WE KNOW WE LOVE
THAT AWFUL ONE PERCENT.
Then, once again and all together:
WHEN WE WANT TO WINK AND SMOOCH;
IT'S THAT GIGGLIN' SENSATION
WHEN WE HAVE A DRINK OF HOOCH;
IT'S THE VOICE THAT WILL DESTROY US,
THEN WHEN ALL OUR MONEY'S SPENT,
WE'LL REALIZE THAT OUR DEMISE
CAME FROM THE ONE PERCENT.
They changed keys and sang the chorus one more time, and that was about it. I think they performed a send-up of Will the Circle Be Unbroken? called Will the Circus Be Unbroken? about Buffalo Bill Cody and the demise of his wild west show, but I don't recall that it was particularly funny. They were trying too hard.
But I understand that. Sometimes I try too hard myself; it's a temptation all storytellers should resist. But sometimes the telling gets hard and bloviation seems like a way out, and that's when I go back to the old-time storytellers and their old-time tales. They don't bloviate, but they do exaggerate. And that's okay.